After my last blog post I turned the vulnerability way down on social media, and while I’m not quite fully back yet I wanted to give an update after posting my story. There had been a big build-up in my world to finally being ready to bring the parts of me I felt were the darkest out into the light. I had begun to find my voice through social media close to the beginning of my sobriety, but it took another 20 months before I was able to fully look someone in the eye and share the hard parts. I feared rejection and carried a lot of shame, but I realized how badly I was stunting my growth by holding onto my story like a dark secret. The outpouring of love I received from loved ones, old friends, and distant acquaintances floored me, and I began turning my attention to the support networks that had been there waiting for me, but I had pushed away. I started going to meetings and working on listening to other people, which has been a monumental shift in my life. For the first time I’m reaching out and actively seeking advice and letting go of control. Asking for advice no longer comes in the format of asking whether I should go with option one or two, and acknowledging that there are a thousand different options out there and that someone might be able to offer me a new perspective that would never have occurred to me before. This seems like such a simple concept, but when you apply it to letting go of control and ego, it has been incredibly difficult for me. At first I felt over-whelmed and wanted to run the other way, I had never felt so dysfunctional and messy, but people held my hand and promised it would get better and I chose to believe them. I quickly started connecting the dots between places in my life that I felt stuck, and the messy places I didn’t want to go, and realized what a gift this part of my journey could be if I chose to lean into the discomfort.
I’ve begun pushing hard against the boundaries of my comfort zones, stepping into areas of vulnerability so foreign to me I didn’t even know they existed – and it feels really, really good. Every time I’ve taken a leap of faith I’ve either been caught with open arms, or landed more firmly on my feet than I knew I was capable of. For someone who spent most of their life feeling invisible, realizing I have a wealth of people in my life who love me dearly for me, all flaws included, has been a heart wrenching and beautiful experience.
Today marks my 21 months clean and sober, and while the past month has been the toughest month of my recovery in terms of growing pains, it has also been the most fruitful and heart opening. Thank you to the people in my life who have continued to stand by me, unwavering in their support and love even when I refused to open my eyes to it. And a massive thank you to you, my online community, for lifting me up on my dark days and providing me with more inspiration and motivation than you’ll ever know.