I hobbled to the shower this morning, sighing with the knowing that I wouldn’t be able to stay standing through the whole thing. I think about the ache in my legs and remember 13 years ago feeling the same ache that was brushed off by my doctor as growing pains, despite not having grown in at least 4 years. I start to wonder again if this is all just in my head, if it’s sadness and old trauma manifesting itself as physical pain and telling me that I’m unwell.
I’m sitting down on the floor of the tub, warm water raining down on me as I debate what to eat for breakfast, what will I be able to absorb the most nutrients from, knowing that my body hasn’t been able to hold onto a meal for more than a couple hours in weeks if not months. I’m combing conditioner through my hair with my fingers, staring blankly at the small handful of hair that comes out, wondering how much of it I can lose before it starts to look thin.
I pep talk myself for my appointment later today, reminding myself that this isn’t all in my head, and that the doctor’s advice last time of reminding me to take vitamin C with my iron supplements and to not consume dairy (which I half-jokingly remind him that I haven’t been able to stomach for 13 years), just isn’t enough of an answer. I remind myself to hold onto the balance of accepting this body as it is, with a mental note to get to my mat before my appointment, and to keep on fighting to be heard.
I think back to a conversation I had with someone several months back where they tried to give me friendly advice to not be so negative on this account and to use my following to just share the positive. I wish I could say that I held my ground of what I knew to be best for me, but I felt exposed and self-conscious, having never thought of my posts as being negative, but just as a part of my journey, through the good days and the bad. When I started sharing my journey I only had a small handful of followers and I did it for me because it was therapeutic and it got me out of the little world I get stuck in inside of my thoughts. This space has been a part of my healing and a place that always felt same to me, so here is my ‘I’m back’, with a whole lot less shame, a little less hair.
(also, if you’re reading this and wondering what’s going on with my health, head over to my last post, or just know that we’re working on it and that I’m going to be just fine)