The last time I ate a meal with gluten in it was almost three and a half years ago. When I found out I couldn’t eat it anymore I felt so frustrated and resentful, with every thought about it having a strong ‘why me?’ undertone. So I told myself that each time I had to go in for a Crohn’s disease related procedure I would eat one big gluten filled dinner before I started fasting/prepping. I’ve been looking forward to this evening ever since my last one, but I’ve also come a really long way since then. Last night I sat down to write out how I felt about it and there was a moment of frustration - between my substance abuse (two years+ clean) and crohns disease (11 years dairy free, four and a half years gluten free, and two years strict paleo), the constant abstinence can feel heavy. Most days it doesn’t cross my mind, and I rarely crave any of the above, but as soon as friends want to go for dinner and I have to eat before joining them, and then sip on water all night – it feels hard. But it’s life, it’s my life, and at the end of the day it’s a good life. By the end of my journaling last night I realized I was ready to let it go. At the end of the day my physical and mental health are an honest priority in my life, and no night out or delicious pastry are worth sacrificing either. I debated on not having this meal, and felt torn, but in the end I decided to go ahead with it - one last time. So I’ve had donuts, and croissants, and sandwiches, and garlic bread, and everything else that I had felt I was missing out on. I was hoping it wouldn’t be as good as I remembered, that light fluffy bread wasn’t any better than the gluten free stuff, but it was. So I savoured each and every single bite, and enjoyed it all more than I’ve ever enjoyed a meal before, then sat outside and reflected back on this whole journey with Crohn’s and addiction, and deep down I felt a solid feeling of ‘I’ve got this’.
Good-bye forever, sweet gluten.