I struggled to explain the feeling for years; it feels physical as much as it feels emotional, so eventually I came to peace with not trying to explain it. But for the purpose of sharing I’ll call it a hole. It’s been there as long as I can remember and some days I feel amazing, other days I feel awful, but either way that hole is still there. My life is full, I am wanting for nothing and there isn’t a thing I would change if I could wave a magic wand, but I still have that hole. I tried filling it with drugs and booze, and after that stopped working I tried to fill it with asana, dance, and every other healthy positive thing I could think of – but it’s still there.
It occurred to me somewhere during my 6 hours of dance/gym/yoga yesterday that maybe the answer is to just not try to fill it. What if instead of trying to actively heal I give myself space to embrace the discomfort and to keep my breath slow and full. After all, when we have a physical wound the best thing to do is to keep it clean, allow it to breathe, and let our bodies do the rest. The more we fuss over it and pick at it, the longer it takes to heal, regardless of how positive our intentions.
Maybe this isn’t the answer, but my heart feels lighter at the thought of it, so I’m going to put my faith in that.